this actually happened

Re-writing history

2012-01-30T12:19:00.001-07:00

FYI. I am creating a new blog somewhere out there in the nether regions. I am changing shit up and amalgamating and trying not to over-divulge.

But it's coming. Soon-ish.

Give me five years.

Why I love Ikea

2012-01-15T14:25:00.001-07:00

Plug

2011-12-17T15:42:00.001-07:00

I will admit that lately I have been neglecting my environmental footprint. And by that, I mean it’s grown like a motherfucker. I have been driving non-stop and have completely embraced disposable foodware, telling myself that if it’s not easy, I won’t eat it and I will ultimately starve to death.

But. The New Year is fast approaching and with it, the almighty New Year’s Resolution. I think New Year’s Resolutions are generally short-lived goals set out of a lingering sense of holiday overindulgence, but that’s not going to stop me from resolving to consume/spend/drive less and ultimately waste less.

In that spirit, I have signed up for the Consumer Report website, so that when I do decide to buy that handy cordless driver/drill or badass moped, I will be buying the best-qualtiy, longest-lasting product for my money.

For $26 a year? That’s a good buy.

"No planning, Graff, that's the first thing"

2011-12-17T15:35:00.001-07:00

“No mapping it out, no dates to get anywhere, no dates to get back. Just think of things! Think of mountains, say, or think of beaches. Think of rich widows and farm girls! Then just point to where you feel they’ll be, and pick the roads the same way too – pick them for the curves and hills. That’s the second thing – to pick the roads the beast* will love.”

~Setting Free the Bears, John Irving

*motorbike

Master of the Web

2011-12-14T21:53:00.004-07:00

According to Google Webmaster, this site has gone significantly downhill in recent months. I can't much disagree. However, the list of search queries where TAHIS most often appeared WAS somewhat of a surprise:

dan quayle
teen vagina
nylons
training bras
hot girls vagina
fucking vagina
vagina fucking
vagina hair
synonyms for asshole
vagina teen

In that order. Aren't both "fucking vagina" and "vagina fucking" kind of redundant?

How I Ended Up With Red Wine All Over My Face

2011-12-13T19:57:00.002-07:00

As I left work this afternoon, the Mentor told me I should have a drink. Or maybe two. I must've looked rough.

I replied, "I tried to last night. But then I couldn't find my corkscrew." (Seriously, where the fuck is that thing?)

And he said, "Then drink the whole bottle. Just take a fork or knife and shove the cork INTO the bottle."

You may be able to see where this is going.

So, I get home, wrap presents, eat dinner, watch X-files, get freaked out, require a sedative and reach for the wine bottle. I take a skinny knife and jam the butt end into the cork. It moves! A tad. Far enough for me to realize that holding the blade is a bad idea. I flip it, stab the blade tip into the cork and push. Success... success...

The cork clears the neck.

In an explosion of eye-burning wine.

Reposting, sort of

2011-12-06T21:13:00.002-07:00

Name That Band

A nameless folk band
Composed of a washboard
And styrofoam tuba

Christening's simple...

"The Horny Laundress"
"Polly Styrene and the Bubbly Beyond"
"Foamy Tuba"
"Dirty Eufoamium"
"Board and Horny Pandemonium"
"Light White Conglomerate"
"Fake Ancient Laundromat"

...Or not

But what does it matter?
In the end
All their songs
Are just
Ribbing and Squeaking

Be the Mulder to my Scully. Baby.

2011-12-05T22:08:00.002-07:00

Remember that time that I said I fall in love with TV men really easily? Oh come on, it was like a month ago. Or five.

ANYWAY. After four seasons of Californication and one of X-Files, I am on board the David Duchovny train. Not that I've been off the Double D express since oh say Grade Seven, but there have been a few Wentworth-Miller-esque distractions along the way. However, as of today, I am done with those motorless seesaw handcars and back to the real thing. The one and only Bullet train. I am on board and pulling the horn. TOOT TOOT! If you know what I mean.

Abundance of Awesome

2011-11-26T13:27:00.000-07:00

Five Alarm Funk

2011-11-26T13:25:00.001-07:00

For those not in the know, this is a ten-piece funk band based out of Vancouver, BC. There's a trumpet. A trombone. A gorilla suit. And an abundance of awesome.

Every member, from the bass guitarist to the maraca-shaker, has his own style and is attractive in his own way. And intimidating, apparently. Hence the following conversation:

*Blondie and I peruse the T-shirts, albums and tote bags at the merch table. We are waffling over who gets the last grey medium ladies' T. A cute band member approaches.*

Cute Band Member: Can I help you ladies?

Me: We're just fighting over this T-shirt. It might come to blows.

Blondie: Are there any more in back?

CBM: I'll check.

*Checks.*

CBM: You're in luck. this is the last one. It's a little wrinkled, though.

Me: Wrinkes! Pfft. Can I get a discount?

CBM: I could iron it for you. I do have to carry an iron around for the suits. *Points to outfit.*

Me: You actually brought an iron on tour?

CBM: Well, the hotel has one...

Me: So, are you suggesting that I go back to your hotel room?*

*I should have said this, but in reality let out a constrained... "Oh."

Research

2011-11-01T20:03:00.000-06:00

"Where they are sold for meat, a plump adult cat offers better eating than a small kitten."

~From here

How to Eat Cats

2011-11-01T19:54:00.000-06:00

"The day may come, for whatever reason - rioting, pestilence, famine, or just plain curiosity - you will need to eat a cat. Your very survival may depend on this handy guide."

Get your Halloween on already

2011-10-07T21:57:00.003-06:00

Babies, Etc.

2011-09-27T23:04:00.001-06:00

Sara One Month Ago:

So here's the thing. I want offspring. I want offspring to need me and love me for my whole life. I can't guarantee that any relationship with an adult will last for any length of time, but children are biologically bound to their parents for eternity, barring tragedy. I want that.

I want children so much that I am willing to get knocked up on my own (obviously not COMPLETELY on my own), have the baby and be a single mother from the beginning. I mean, it would be easier to be in a relationship and have that extra emotional support, but I know I could do it if I wanted to.

But here's the other thing. I don't particularly like babies or children. Other people's babies or children, I mean. The whole ohh-ing and ahh-ing over kids kind of disgusts me. I used to be a great babysitter and have a really good rapport with kids, but I just feel awkward around them these days.

Post-Cat Sara:

Cats are fucking RESPONSIBILITY. Plus, they are fucking NEEDY. I mean, they not only expect you to feed them and water them (that's TWICE as much love as I give my plants), they want you to play with them and caress them and discipline them when they spring madly into the fridge.

But seriously. Having a cat makes me realize that I don't want a one-way "need" relationship just now. Ultimately I want an adult relationship. You know, one where somebody will feed me and water me and play with me and caress me and... well, I will try to stay out of the fridge.

Welcome to the New Millennium

2011-09-27T22:52:00.000-06:00

I have, with much agony, accepted that I am an engineer, at least for the time being. So, on to the next identity crisis. I was purchasing a mobile phone and I had a fucking multiple-personality panic attack.

Hippie Sara: OHMYGODWHATAMIDOINGBUYINGASMARTPHONE?????!!!!!

Blogger Sara: Umm... welcome to the new millennium. You blog. You Facebook. You might even Twitter.

Hippie Sara: But a SMARTPHONE?!?! That's outrageous. That's just too plugged in. I don't want to be that available. I want to escape the world sometimes. And what about the trees? What about the wireless beauty? I don't need Internet on the street!

Blogger Sara: Or maybe you do. Everyone else is texting and Twittering and shit. Get with the times. Get out of your little comfortable hole and connect with the people of the world. You like to write. You like to blog. Sell your hobby.

Hippie Sara: And oh my God the commitment! I can't commit to a man, how am I supposed to commit to a cell phone plan?

Blogger Sara: Don't. Go month-to-month.

Hippie Sara: I can't even handle the commitment of a monthly bill!

Blogger Sara: *sighs*

Hippie Sara: Think of all the lakes my discarded old phone will pollute!

Blogger Sara: You're impossible to reason with when you're like this.

Hippie Sara: What am I becoming?! I'm becoming a ROBOT!

I think the nice Koodoo lady was finding it a little much.

Scourge

2011-09-27T22:44:00.000-06:00

There is a scourge in our society today. A burrowing worm, weaving its way through our culture, our experiences, our memories and leaving stank and destruction in its path. It is almost certain that it has touched - twisted - your life in some way, perhaps small, perhaps larger than you realize. The name of this worm, this scourge, this wreaker of havoc, is Scrapbooking.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Scrapbooking? That benign hobby whereby new mothers and overachieving aunts use scissors to cut up vacation photos and put them in a pretty album?" To which I will reply, Yes. A hobby to some, it involves cutting and pasting and albums. But "benign"? I think not.

To those in the know, Scrapbooking is more malignant than many types of cancer. It glorifies the modern sin of decontextualization in a truly literal manner. Those who scrapbook are known to cut away backgrounds, leaving only the subject on display. In cutting away the background, they are cutting away essential context in the form of culture, location, weather, time, and season. They are reducing their photos, the evidence of their experiences and memories, into nothing more than reflections of themselves (taken in the most flattering light, of course).

Cutting crime scene photos would be considered defacing evidence. Cutting personal photos should be taken no less seriously. Only, instead of altering evidence of a crime, scrapbookers are altering evidence of their lives. Wouldn't you prefer to keep the evidence of your life intact?

Scrapbooking erodes memories and effectively alters history. So, the next time you take up arms in the form of scissors, think twice and beware this insidious scourge.

Things I've learned in the past year

2011-09-27T22:12:00.000-06:00

So, I realize that me cleaning out my drafts folder will be a tad overwhelming for some of you. But here's the thing. I've had a busy ass busy summer and fall doesn't feel much slower so far. More to come on that later.

Anyway, just a few notes/life lessons from May. May be a tad cheesy, but this is so fucking me, you don't even know it. Here goes:

1) If it walks like an asshole and talks like an asshole, chances are that it's an asshole.

2) Make yourself happy before making anyone else happy. In all respects.

3) If you don't understand it, that doesn't mean it's interesting.

4) I like a little edge.

5) If you're feeling overwhelmed, confused, panicking... take a time out. Deal with things on your terms before you're forced to deal with them on someone else's.

Free Pass

2011-09-18T20:09:00.005-06:00

As you may or may not be aware, I recently was part of a friend's wedding party. A fellow bridesmaid was given a free pass with the bridesmaids. However, I was completely unaware that the free pass was a real physical wallet-sized certificate. (I took a picture, but it incriminatingly listed my full name and had breasts in the background. I am not comfortable posting pictures of other peoples' breasts. Maybe once I start up the new blog - tentatively titled Sex Lies and Videotape? Caprices and Crochets? Pretty Lies? - I will post pictures of my own (lie #1).)

Anyways, for the record, this is what a real live Free Pass says: "The bearer of this pass is entitled - and in fact, positively encouraged - to canoodle, fondle, pet or otherwise molest the individual known as Sara K without fear of reprisal, hurt, jealousy or such statements as 'Well if you could, can I?'" (Signed and dated)

In case you're wondering, molestation did occur.

Posted at Sonic Boom

2011-09-18T20:07:00.001-06:00

Phrase of the Week: Sara balls

2011-09-08T18:09:00.003-06:00

Email from a friend:

Ok. Yesterday a bus driver was a total ass to me as I was disembarking the bus, so I wrote a complaint about him. It's the first official complaint I've ever written... It felt good to do it, actually. I felt like I had Sara balls!

Pure awesome.

How you know you're becoming a crazy old cat lady

2011-09-07T19:20:00.003-06:00

You call your cat. Not like, "Here kitty kitty kitty." Like *dials home phone number and gets answering machine* "Hi Earl Grey! It's me! I'll be home in about thirty minutes."

Seriously. I'm becoming domesticated and going fucking nutbars.

Reposting from a friend on Google+

2011-08-02T18:55:00.002-06:00

It's that good.

This is my city

2011-08-01T20:23:00.003-06:00

Search terms used to find my blog

2011-07-12T18:57:00.003-06:00

"is it ok if I jack off with old spice". Which redirects here.

I'm assuming they mean as a lubricant, which seems like a waste of deodorant. But perhaps they mean as a libido stimulant? Rub a little of this stick under your nose and choke the carrot? And yourself, when you gag on the fumes?

In one month I take possession...

2011-07-11T22:17:00.001-06:00

...OF YOUR SOUL.

I love the Bridesmaid Squad

2011-07-10T22:41:00.000-06:00

EOM.

iTunes Most Played

2011-07-09T22:08:00.003-06:00

Turns out, your top ten iTunes songs speak volumes. Here's mine:

1. Whiskey and Rags by Emily Wells
2. Until the Night is Over by Timber Timbre
3. Robots by Dan Mangan
4. Tisis Momar by Emily Wells
5. Come on Forest Fire Burn the Disco Down by Rae Spoon
6. My Heart is a Piece of Garbage by Rae Spoon
7. We'll Make Time by Hawksley Worman
8. Do the Right Thing by The Dudes
9. Karma Police by Radiohead
10. Rose Garden by Shad

Turns out, I am SUPER indie and am very in to a certain kind of sound. Find me more that can fit into this list and I will adore you forever.

Is this manipulative?

2011-06-27T18:36:00.003-06:00

Usually I wear a little bit of makeup - coverup - to work. But when I'm feeling grouchy and tired of dealing with old men, I skip the undereye concealer so they will think I'm completely exhausted and having a terrible day and will leave me the fuck alone.

Axellent

2011-06-25T16:28:00.002-06:00

You know that hammer by my bedside? You know, the one I use to ward off imaginary nighttime attackers? The one I've suffered endless ridicule over? Turns out, all these years I could've been using my axe. (I just forgot that I owned a real weapon.)

Wentworth Miller

2011-06-23T21:59:00.002-06:00

I fall in love with men really easily. Scratch that - I fall in love with men on TV really easily. Maybe watching endless episodes on Netflix encourages obsession. Maybe watching them in my skivvies makes it sexual.

Current obsession: Wenworth Miller aka Michael Scofield on Prison Break. Intelligent, creative, intense, brooding, always saves the day. Also so fucking hot.

Male me

2011-06-20T19:59:00.005-06:00

Having heard complaints from fellows dating online, I decided to test the online dating waters myself. As a man.

I fully expected this to be an emasculating experience. By all accounts, men sift through hundreds of profiles and then send out multiple messages only to receive a single response once a month. However, I call bullshit.

This was my picture:

I happen to think this guy is smokin' hot. But I think most girls would find him cute but average. Am I right? (I have no feel for general-consensus hotness). Also, I only posted one picture, which is kind of a no-no (will get to that more later).

This was my profile:

LouisBCool: Man About Town

About Me

Mechanic by day, all-star pool player by night*, I am a good-looking, kind, laid-back guy who can also fix your car.

I have a pretty macho job, and I like to hang around with my guy friends. That being said, I am sort of a nerd when it comes to interests. I like to read a lot. I especially enjoy historical non-fiction. Germs, Guns and Steel was one of my recent favorites. When not playing pool, I can be found listening to live music at obscure bars around Edmonton (Wunderbar, anyone?), playing beer league slopitch, shining shoes and eating bananas. I also eat other foods. I love dogs and have been known to tolerate cats and even the odd snake.

I may come across as a little**** at first, but I am really just a guy's guy who is looking for a lady in his life. She must be cute, sassy and just a little sweet. I can't resist the sweet ones.

If you're at all interested, drop me a line!

(Also drop me a line to tell me advice on how to improve my profile.)

*Just kidding, I suck at pool.

First Date

Online dating can be fun, but real dating is so much better. It's really hard to get a feel for a person online, so I like to skip to the first date pretty quickly. I understand that online dating is a little creepy, so public places are good spots for first dates. Please don't invite me to your place, that will freak me right out.

That being said, first dates should be fun and low key. Maybe we could grab some ice cream and walk around downtown? Go for a soda (nobody hurts and nobody cries)? Chill out at a neighborhood pub?

Simple, low key, a tad quirky.

I sent out several messages to interesting ladies with the same overtones. A couple of sentences, something to prove that I read their profile and had a sense of humor, a question for their reply.

Bam! Lo and behold, the ladies were crawling all over Louis!

The replies I got actually made me feel a little guilty (for not being real). I batted at least 50% in terms of replies and had a few stray fish sniffing around as well. Them's pretty good odds.

So, with all of this in mind, here's my advice for guys on dating websites:

1. Post lots of pictures. Obviously this isn't a requirement, but more pictures helps people determine how attracted they are to you and makes for a more real first date. If you have a peg leg, by all means, show it off. Post pictures of you doing interesting things and smiling.

2. Put some effort into your profile. Make it interesting, make it a couple of paragraphs. The more bait you have there, the more likely it is that a girl will identify with it. Most importantly, be yourself. Ultimately you will only have chemistry with someone who likes you for you.

3. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Get out there, read profiles, message girls if you're interested. I personally dislike the "favoriting" or "meet me" features that most sites have which allow you to let someone know you like them without leaving a message. You'll have way better odds with a message. And know that it IS about odds. The more you put out there, the more potential return you could have. Don't get too committed to one girl before she's even given you a chance.

4. Messages. Start with an interesting title, something to catch their eye (on POF, don't use the message box on their profile! It generates the title "Hi" - oh so boring.) Make it short, don't waste too much time on something which may not get a response. Include something that proves that you read their profile - tell them what you liked about it or what drew you to it. Ask a question which requires a response. Also, there's really no need for the "I look forward to hearing you" type signoff. It's obvious. (Though "drop me a line sometime" is a nice signoff.)

5. You are more likely to cast a wider net if you are not looking for an "Intimate Encounter." If sex is all you want, by all means, be up front about it. But be warned: this sets off red flags for most ladies.

So maybe these tips seem a little generic, but they work, I swear. If you really want my help, pay me $10 and I will spruce up your profile and help you catch ladies. Confidence is key, and it is super easy to come by when your ego isn't on the line.

OK, kids, that is just about all of the dating advice I can give for today.

Stagette

2011-06-12T03:02:00.002-06:00

My first bachelorette party of all time. Nothing that exciting happened.

Though I did attempt to dance on a table and the table fell over. And I was escorted out for sliding down the bannister.

All in all, good times.

EFMF listened to me!

2011-06-04T21:17:00.002-06:00

EFMF listened to me!

Isn't their new website pretty?!!

Or maybe this one

2011-06-03T20:06:00.001-06:00

Vagary, Vainglory and Victory: Bookjacket Photo

2011-06-02T21:21:00.002-06:00

A Heart Hard of Hearing

2011-06-02T21:02:00.004-06:00

I'm playing Ultimate Frisbee this summer. There's this guy on my team. He is UBER cute. He says to me after a couple of beers the other night: "How long have you been working as an engineer? You look pretty young."

Because I am hopeless romantically, I need your advice: am I being hit on? Or am I just that youthful?

Either way, I win.

Day 30: Whatever Tickles Your Fancy

2011-05-30T19:07:00.000-06:00

"Maybe if I shave my pussy, then you'll love me/ Baby will you love me, I'm really feelin' ugly"

So begins the last song on Diaper Island, a sometimes-dreamlike, sometimes-bizarre roller coaster ride through the mind and music of Calgarian indie rocker Chad VanGaalen. Like VanGaalen's previous album, Soft Airplane, Diaper Island features wailing Neil-Young-esque lyrics set against strong electric guitar riffs, plucky acoustic sounds and the occasional electronica interlude. Unlike Soft Airplane, VanGaalen's voice is not the centrepiece on his newest album, tending to blend into the music rather than stand out against it. The newer album also has a bit of a cassette-tape basement-recorded feel which was absent on Soft Airplane but harkens back to his earlier albums.

But. If anything in the above paragraph has dissuaded you from buying his album, reconsider! For only $13 plus shipping, you will get an awesomely awesome package on your doorstep in about two week's time (see above picture). Not only do you receive a hard copy of the CD, you get a Chad VanGaalen original sketch and a copy of Eye Spy, Flemish Eye's art magazine (chock full of "a generous amount of nipple-twisting", "moose (soup)", and "an ass that acts like a fountain"). Also (and this should be an instant selling factor for most of you) Diaper Island's first single is called "Sara." Fucking buy me, already!

Finally, for those down south, VanGaalen is an entertaining performer, weaving unexpected and often hilarious stories into his act alongside his fascinating one-man-band style performance. If you happen to be in Calgary on June 25, he is performing as part of Sled Island Festival and the show is bound to be superb.

Day 28: Your Year, In Great Detail

2011-05-30T17:50:00.000-06:00

This year has taught me a lot about myself and my relationships.

If you invade my space, if you try to control me, I will balk. I will stand there, plant my feet and lean in the opposite direction.

If I feel I've been mistreated, I will react. I will overreact. I will overreact and then I will feel guilty and I will do anything I can to get your forgiveness. But if you don't give a little, I will go too far and then I will resent you.

Day 26: Your week, in great detail

2011-05-27T18:46:00.002-06:00

Too hectic for words.

Day 25: Your Day, In Great Detail

2011-05-26T18:33:00.001-06:00

Any Given Weekday

5:00 Alarm. Peanut butter on toasted bun.
6:00 Makeup and hair.
7:00 Arrive at work, do daily reporting.
8:00 Collect samples and test pH.
9:00 Morning meeting.
10:00 Give tour to co-op students. Preface with, "I'm new and I know nothing."
11:00 "Look, it's a tank!"
12:00 Perogy pizza for lunch.
13:00 Walk across plant site to search for compressor design data in historical files. Success!
14:00 Have a smoke with old man "mentor" N. Regaled with tales of The Legend of N.
15:00 Sorting email.
16:00 Frantic last-minute emails and calculations.
17:00 Pick up Super Bridesmaid dress on way home from work. Super Bridesmaid-y.
18:00 L Word and more toast.
19:00 L Word and bill payments.
20:00 L Word and blog posts an beer.
21:00 Sex For One (it's a BOOK, you perverts).
22:00 Dozing.

Ball Buster

2011-05-26T18:13:00.003-06:00

I went in to my bank and negotiated for a mortgage today. Maybe too hard. There was no bargaining. just me laying out the low rate I want.

This is going to sound bad, but that's why I picked a lady mortgage broker. So I'm not intimidated. (That's also why I picked a lady real estate agent.)

Lady engineers win out every time.

Day 24: Whatever Tickles Your Fancy

2011-05-25T18:20:00.000-06:00

Little Beauty

A child passed me in the street today. She looked me in the eye and said, "You're beautiful."

*Little sigh.*

Day 23: A YouTube Video

2011-05-24T20:10:00.001-06:00

Indian dance music - I probably heard this song 40 times when I was in India. Them's SOME dance moves!

Day 22: A Website

2011-05-23T20:04:00.001-06:00

Hyperbole and a Half. New favourite blog.

Day 21: A Recipe

2011-05-22T18:54:00.000-06:00

Honey-Mustard Chicken from a Best of Bridge book

3 lbs. chicken pieces
1/2 c. liquid honey
1/4 c. butter
1/4 c. Dijon mustard
2-4 tsp. curry powder
pinch cayenne pepper

Mix everything but the chicken together. Place the chicken in a single layer in large ovenproof dish. Pour sauce over top. Bake, uncovered at 350 degrees for 40 minutes. turning once and basting periodically. Cook until no longer pink inside. Serve with rice. Good and easy.

This Just In: Bruce Springsteen: Hot Hot Hot

2011-05-22T15:28:00.001-06:00

Day 20: A Hobby of Yours

2011-05-21T18:51:00.000-06:00

Painting old lightbulbs to make them into hanging window ornaments.

Day 19: A Talent of Yours

2011-05-20T18:18:00.001-06:00

I can pinch people with my toes.

I can pinch people HARD with my toes.

Day 18: Whatever tickles your fancy

2011-05-19T18:34:00.000-06:00

I'm Going to Become Catwoman

Oops. Sorry. I meant, "I'm going to become a cat woman." Within the next six months, I intend to buy a cat house and populate it with two cat babies. Yay! Bring on the old maidness!

Why two cats, you ask? Doesn't that seem like overkill? Well, yes, it may be overkill, but it really stems from my ridiculous selfish empathy syndrome, which makes me declare that I refuse to sleep with a cat, because they are motherfucking annoying and I'm a light sleeper; however, I just can't bear the thought of making that poor cat sleep by itself, so I need two cats so they can cuddle and keep each other company.

Part of me thinks this is sweet, part of me thinks this is insane.

Part of me thinks this will result in a house full of cats.

Day 17: An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)

2011-05-18T18:19:00.000-06:00

Day 16: A song that makes you cry (or nearly)

2011-05-17T18:52:00.000-06:00

This is a song I play to commiserate when I feel low. You know those days. Your heart has betrayed you and you have betrayed yourself and your heart is a piece of garbage which only the seagulls will fight over.

It's OK, usually I'm fucking sunshine and lollipops.

Rae Spoon is the shiznat, for the record.

Day 15: A fanfic

2011-05-16T18:37:00.000-06:00

Fuck that. I don't read fanfic. I'm sure some of it is highly amusing, but the idea turns me off.

Day 14: A non-fictional book

2011-05-15T18:41:00.000-06:00

What I'm reading right now. I think this might be the tail-end of my Gladwell obsession - but oh what a glorious ride it's been.

Bad Habits

2011-05-15T16:22:00.002-06:00

(I originally typed "Bad Habots", which is hilarious - bad habits WHO ARE ALSO ROBOTS!)

Fuck, some bad habits are just so damn hard to break.

Reminds me of my darkly humorous years of heroin addiction.

Day 13: A fictional book

2011-05-14T18:20:00.002-06:00

Vagary, Vainglory and Victory: One Woman's Struggle For Excellence

This biographical masterpiece tells the story of Sara K, once a backwoods blogger in the little-known city of Edmonton, Canada, now a world-renowned technology writer for the London Times. Follow Sara through mania and depression, romance and heartache, heartbreaking failure and overwhelming success, serial dating hijinx, career faux-pas, and darkly humourous years of heroin addiction ("I did it on a whim. It was like picking flowers at Buckingham Palace - you know you're not supposed to, but you do it anyway") all on her way to the top as one of the most successful Canadian writers of all time.

Day 12: Whatever tickles your fancy

2011-05-13T18:10:00.003-06:00

Most Popular Blog Posts This Week

1. Old Spice It Up With Natural Deodorant

2. Wiki Beets

3. I Saw Some Strippers At Airways Inn

For those of you who are faithful readers, this may come as a bit of a shock to you. For the past couple of years, Wiki Beets has out-performed all other posts and come out solidly on top. However, at some point in the past year, Old Spice It Up With Natural Deodorant passed Wiki Beets to take over the number one spot.

I know what you're thinking. This is fucking mind-blowing. What is the world coming to? How could a post about natural deodorant possibly pass a post about red shit and beets?!? I mean, beetroot sales in the UK have skyrocketed in recent years!

The real reason behind the apparent collapse of beets' popularity in Canada is actually quite simple. In May 2010, beets started a campaign against Stephen Harper. "Beet it!" they proclaimed. At first, Harper was surprised at the new attack from this little-known root vegetable. Upon further research, it soon became evident that beets, being a hardy vegetable that can be grown in climes across Canada, had become one of the heroes of the local food movement. Beets, typically raised by hippies, had adopted many leftist sentiments, and had, as a result, declared themselves staunchly anti-Harper.

Harper was angered by the beets' protest. He'd shown support for farmers (even beet farmers, those hippies) in the past; they did, after all, make up a large portion of his fanbase. He launched a quiet retaliatory smear campaign. "Beets kill," read one pamphlet.

The effect was immediate. Beet sales went through the floor. Hippie farmers everywhere were bewildered by this turn of events. They started sweating profusely and buying natural deodorant in troves. My dear post Wiki Beets was just an unfortunate casualty in this political maelstrom.

With Harper's recent election victory, we can only expect beets to encounter more character attacks. But perhaps one day, when the climate is right, they will rise again.

Viva la beet!

Day 11: A photo of you taken recently

2011-05-12T18:06:00.002-06:00

Probably on the phone with the Almesiter.

Day 10: A photo of you taken over ten years ago

2011-05-11T18:05:00.001-06:00

Sorry, I have no scanner so I took this picture of a picture on my webcam, so it is backwards. The caption reads "Dad is babysitting." He is sleeping. I am the one who is wearing underwear(?) on her head.

Day 09: A Photo You Took

2011-05-10T18:24:00.000-06:00

A classic folk fest picture. One of the few hopeless loves of my life.

Day 08: A Photo That Makes You Angry/Sad

2011-05-09T18:15:00.003-06:00

Me and a former best friend. Nostalgia. I actually feel much differently about this than I did a week ago, but it is a legitimate photo which makes me angry/sad.

Day 07: A photo that makes you happy

2011-05-08T18:05:00.002-06:00

A photo by Richard Frank, as stolen from the coffee table book entitled "Love." Yes, I am a hopeless romantic.

Day 06: Whatever tickles your fancy

2011-05-07T18:02:00.002-06:00

Sparkle Unicorn: the team mascot for all girl teams at work. Especially hockey pool teams.

Day 05: Your Favourite Quote

2011-05-06T18:00:00.002-06:00

When you stand in front of me and look at me, what do you know of the griefs that are in me and what do I know of yours?
~Frank Kafka

This proves I'm deep, right? I honestly think that's why I just picked it.

Day 04: Your favourite book

2011-05-05T18:58:00.002-06:00

Also in the running: Widow for One Year, Handmaid's Tale, and The Blind Assassin.

Day 03: Your favourite television program

2011-05-04T18:54:00.002-06:00

Kind of a toss-up, but I do dearly love this show.

Day 02: Your favourite movie

2011-05-03T18:48:00.003-06:00

The last time I told someone this, they told me I had no ego.

Day 01: Your favourite song

2011-05-03T18:43:00.000-06:00

Shitty video, great song.

I took the day off work to vote yesterday

2011-05-03T18:01:00.001-06:00

As a result, I had a glorious day of sunshine, lollipops, rainbows and polling stations.

So I thought I'd fuck around with the 30 Day Blog Challenge (originally posted by graceless here).

30 Day Blog Challenge

Day 01 — Your favourite song
Day 02 — Your favourite movie
Day 03 — Your favourite television program
Day 04 — Your favourite book
Day 05 — Your favourite quote
Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy
Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 09 — A photo you took
Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago
Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently
Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 13 — A fictional book
Day 14 — A non-fictional book
Day 15 — A fanfic
Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 19 — A talent of yours
Day 20 — A hobby of yours
Day 21 — A recipe
Day 22 — A website
Day 23 — A YouTube video
Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 25 — Your day, in great detail
Day 26 — Your week, in great detail
Day 27 — This month, in great detail
Day 28 — This year, in great detail
Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy

I deserve a gold star

2011-05-03T17:46:00.002-06:00

You should all buy me something nice. I did two brave brave things today.

One will go down in history as long-overdue but beautiful.

One will probably get completely ignored and possibly ridiculed. But it is also beautiful, in its own way.

North Country Fair

2011-05-02T14:33:00.001-06:00

I want you, baby.

Dear EFMF,

2011-05-01T15:54:00.001-06:00

Get your website act together, you goddamn hippies.

Don't worry, I still love you.

The Next Ten Novels: 41-50

2011-04-22T19:13:00.000-06:00

This ten should not take a year, largely because I've read most of them (read in green).

41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Earth's Children, Book One) by Jean M. Auel

42. The Kite Runner (Riverhead Essential Editions) by Khaled Hosseini

43. Confessions of a Shopaholic by Sophie Kinsella

44. The Five people you meet in heaven by Mitch Albom

45. The Holy Bible by Various Authors (For the record, I'm not reading this)

46. Anna Karenina (Oprah's Book Club) by Leo Tolstoy

47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Penguin Classics) by Alexandre Dumas père

48. Angela's Ashes by Frank McCourt

49. The Grapes of Wrath (Centennial Edition) by John Steinbeck

50. She's Come Undone (Oprah's Book Club) by Wally Lamb

Novels 31-40

2011-04-21T18:07:00.001-06:00

Wow. I have not updated you on my novel-reading for 10 11 whole months. That is partly because I haven't been reading much, and partly because I haven't been reading Chapters Readers Choice Top 100 Books so much as self-help books. I, too, am disgusted by this new turn of events, but not as disgusted as I was with Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus (some informative ideas, but a lot of annoying analogies and sexist generalizations) and Orgasms for Two (which, at least in the first chapters, should be entitled Sex for Cynics.)

ANYWAY. Quick reviews of books 31 through 40. In case you forgot, my rating scale is as follows:

1/5 - Couldn't finish it.
2/5 - Finished it, didn't care for it.
3/5 - Would like to re-read it because I can't remember my full opinions on it.
4/5 - Finished it, liked it.
5/5 - Would read it again. Would like to own a copy. Recommended to others.

31. Dune, 40th Anniversary Edition (Dune Chronicles, Book 1) by Frank Herbert (5/5)
Bring on the tinfoil toque and Star Trek conference tickets and make me a full-blown nerd.

32. The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks (4/5)
I'm a sucker, it was good.

33. Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand (5/5)
I worshipped this book when I first read it. Though I skipped a 50-page diatribe at the end and did find the constant preaching somewhat tiresome.

34. 1984: Centennial Edition by George Orwell (4/5)
Haven't read it in a while, but used to prefer Animal Farm.

35. The Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley (3.5/5)
Long but OK.

36. The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett (3.5/5)
Not as depressing as rumoured. Always a grain of hope left in every depressing situation. Nothing poetic about the language -strictly prose. Favourite part was how the one guy loved his wife's body more over the years.

37. Power of One by Bryce Courtenay (5/5)
Friggin' delightful on audiobook. "Grandpa Chook!" I think I feel in love with the narrator. Wraps up quicker than expected.

38. I Know This Much Is True (Oprah's Book Club) by Wally Lamb (4/5)
Good... my memory sucks.

39. The Red Tent by Anita Diamant (4/5)
Somewhat feminist and therefore I somewhat liked it.

40. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho (3/5)

Written in a fable-esque style, also fable-esque in its references to our own Personal Legends. (Capitals are Coelho's.) To be honest, I found it a little trite - or maybe I'm just that jaded.

The 35% Reduction in Fatalities Speaks For Itself

2011-04-20T18:50:00.003-06:00

So. You may or may not remember that I am secretly obsessed with Insite, Vancouver's safe injection site. There's more good news for Insite this week.

Safe-injection site slashes fatal overdoses in Vancouver: Report

With a Supreme Court of Canada case looming this summer that could decide its future, Vancouver’s safe-injection drug site has received a vote of support in a new report that says it has helped reduce the number of fatal overdoses in the city by 35 per cent.

The report, compiled by Canadian scientists from the Urban Health Research Initiative, the B.C. Centre for Excellence in HIV/AIDS and St. Paul’s Hospital, goes on to argue that Vancouver’s Insite — the country’s first safe-injection facility — should be replicated in other North American cities where drug use is a common problem.

Read the full article here.

Totally Profane

2011-04-20T17:51:00.004-06:00

Two of [Francisco] Goya's best known paintings are The Nude Maja (La maja desnuda) and The Clothed Maja (La maja vestida). They depict the same woman in the same pose, naked and clothed, respectively. Without a pretense to allegorical or mythological meaning, the painting was "the first totally profane life-size female nude in Western art".

~Wikipedia. Me quoting Wikipedia quoting somebody else.

Word of the day: Contrary

2011-04-14T18:18:00.003-06:00

con·trary adj
\ˈkän-ˌtrer-ē, -ˌtre-rē, 4 often kən-ˈtrer-ē\

temperamentally unwilling to accept control or advice

Synonyms: Contrary, perverse, restive, balky, wayward mean inclined to resist authority or control. Contrary implies a temperamental unwillingness to accept orders or advice; "a contrary child". Perverse may imply wrongheaded, determined, or cranky opposition to what is reasonable or normal; "a intractable, perverse critic". Restive suggests unwillingness or inability to submit to discipline or follow order; "tired soldiers growing restive". Balky suggests a refusing to proceed in a desired direction or course of action ; "a balky witness". Wayward suggests strong-willed capriciousness and irregularity in behavior ; "a school for wayward youths".

~Courtesy of Merriam-Webster

I like cats, but...

2011-04-14T18:04:00.003-06:00

...this is what happens to cat lovers.

Why Women Get Paid Less And Why It's Bullshit

2011-04-14T17:27:00.002-06:00

In Canada, despite over 90 years of women's suffrage, women in identical positions to men typically get paid less. There are different reasons for this, but a big one is that women don't ask for raises as often as men do and are typically stuck in lower pay brackets for longer periods of time.

Maybe this indicates that women should be more proactive, as this article suggests. Or maybe it means that managers should modify their promotion schedules to accommodate women without forcing women to ask. It is admirable to show some chutzpah and ask for a promotion. But, if your skill sets are equal to the next pay level, why should you be forced out of your biologically defined comfort zone and why should you have to ask?

666 posts

2011-04-10T19:54:00.001-06:00

Discussing date safety and kidnapping:

Roommate: Sara, for all you know, he's the Second Date Snatcher.

Sara: For all you know, I'm the Second Date Snatch!

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

2011-04-05T18:20:00.001-06:00

The alchemist knew the legend of Narcissus, a youth who knelt daily beside a lake to contemplate his own beauty. He was so fascinated by himself that, one morning, he fell into the lake and drowned. At the spot where he fell, a flower was born, which was called the narcissus.

But this was not how the author of the book ended the story.

he said that when Narcissus died, the goddesses of the forest appeared and found the lake, which had been fresh water, transformed into a lake of salty tears.

“Why do you weep?” the goddesses asked.

“I weep for Narcissus,” the lake replied.

“Ah, it is no surprise that you weep for Narcissus,” they said, “for though we always pursued him in the forest, you alone could contemplate his beauty close at hand.”

“But…was Narcissus beautiful?” the lake asked.

“Who better than you to know that?” the goddesses said in wonder. “After all, it was by your banks that he knelt each day to contemplate himself!”

The lake was silent for some time. Finally, it said:

“I weep for Narcissus, but I never noticed that Narcissus was beautiful. I weep because, each time he knelt beside my banks, I could see, in the depths of his eyes, my own beauty reflected.”

“What a lovely story,” the alchemist thought.

~The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

Assumably Imaginary Appendicitis...

2011-04-04T12:12:00.006-06:00

...complete with a Mad Men marathon. Rather than debonair man-about-town, doesn't Don Draper just look perpetually confused?

The Birth Spiral

2011-04-04T12:10:00.002-06:00

"I'm beginning to think the Gmail program that generates context-appropriate advertisements is hostile."

~Wiretap, The Answering Machine episode

Fuck. You write one little email with the words "going off birth control" and all the sudden Gmail is trying to sell you baby clothes and diapers.

I realize I'm writing this from an Eat-Pray-Love-esque position of privilege, but sometimes I hate hormonal birth control. I hate feeling like something else is dictating my mood. I hate wondering if my decreased libido is due to the man or the pill. I hate counting days and hours instead of being happily oblivious as to where I am in my menstrual cycle. (Total hippy sometimes.)

Also, birth control perpetrates this little cycle which I have termed the Birth Spiral. I go on hormones, I get depressed, depression makes me want to have babies and therefore go off birth control. IT'S LIKE IT'S DEFEATING THE PURPOSE.

Anyways, just thought I'd let you know I'm pregnant.

JUST KIDDING.

Awesome Sam Waterston Pic

2011-04-04T12:08:00.001-06:00

Ignatieff? The guy from law and order?

2011-04-04T11:33:00.005-06:00

Why I love online dating

2011-04-02T19:47:00.000-06:00

"Your sexy like a chocolate strawberry.... Sooo ummmm gang bang?"

From The Age of Persuasion

2011-04-02T11:54:00.001-06:00

In 1983, this started the Superbowl commercial craze.

Friday Happy Fun Song

2011-03-25T09:58:00.002-06:00

Now picture Rae Spoon singing the cover Rich Boy. Adorable.

Plenty of Fish Profile

2011-03-23T22:17:00.004-06:00

The rules say you need to have a head shot in your photo. How long do you think it will take me to get kicked off for my foot shot?

Orgasms for Two by Betty Dodson

2011-03-21T18:23:00.000-06:00

"A word of caution: anything that goes inside the anus has to be a dildo with balls or a butt plug with a flared base at one end. This is so the little bugger won't wander off into the dark recesses of your lower bowel."

~Orgasms for Two by Betty Dodson

This is a sex information book with a hardcore feminist slant. However, the author occasionally uses language or phrasing which is downright hilarious. Like "little bugger" and "buttyhole".

Sexually confused

2011-03-20T14:54:00.003-06:00

Went out for St. Patrick's Day dressed in full leprechaun costume, including hat, pot of gold and beard. After asking whether my friend was a guy, this guy approached her with this stunner of a line:

"I can't get past the beard. But I'd like to."

(Untitled)

2011-03-19T09:57:00.002-06:00

Supergirl: There were so many cute Germans on the plane to Frankfurt.

Sara: I'm over Germans.

Jatin: Is it because of Hitler?

CD

2011-03-14T18:58:00.000-06:00

Crazy Debbie is legitimately crazy these days. Case in point:

Last week, Crazy Debbie told me that "Janet" (name changed to protect identity) in 208 was plotting to kill her on Friday.

To which I said, "I think maybe you need some help, Debbie."

And she said, "I got some help. I called the police."

*Twilight Zone music*

Personal Ad

2011-03-13T19:31:00.001-06:00

I am a tall dark and handsome boot in desperate need of the loving touch of hot liquid adhesive. Must be clingy.

Tickle THIS Trunk

2011-03-13T19:26:00.003-06:00

My mom has a new favourite hobby - costume parties - and a new favourite clothing store - Value Village. And so I was presented with a bag full of goodies last weekend. (Please excuse the fucking terrible timed self-photography.)

A sweater in my favorite color...

An LBD, which I may not have chosen myself, but is cute...

And then this.

And yet. I love her more than ever.

Indian Traffic

2011-03-07T19:04:00.002-07:00

I have a lot of things to say about India, mostly in the form of "This was also insane - blablablablablah!" Unfortunately (for you), I have been disgorging stories ad infinitum to anyone within earshot to the point that even I am becoming exhausted with my endless anecdotes.

But I do have to talk about Indian traffic briefly. Because - shocker - it is insane. And not just because they drive on the left side of the road. There is total disregard for lanes and turn signals and total abuse of the horn (one hand is on the horn at all times.) In the cities, mopeds, bicycles, rickshaws and people weave freely through the vehicular traffic while cows, horses and camels saunter on the shoulders.

At one point, our driver (arbitrarily) decided that there was a traffic problem ahead on our side of on the highway, so he swerved right past oncoming traffic at the nearest break in the median and drove on the right shoulder. For me, not speaking Hindi, this was especially confusing and amusing. I mean, we were driving on the wrong side of highway and yet our driver had the chutzpah to honk at oncoming bicycles and motorbikes which were in his way.

The two-wheeled vehicles were also totally fascinating. Two people on a moped seemed pretty normal to me, but three people was unusual by Canadian standards. Four - now that's a whole family! The highlight, however, was when I saw two people on a motorbike and the guy on the back was carrying a goat.

Anyways, if you have questions about other things in India (How big is the Taj Mahal? In what year did India gain it's independence? What is India's national flag?) please refer to Wikipedia. For other non-factual inquiries, I am always willing to give you my completely biased observations.

I should go on Twitter. Or Reader's Digest.

2011-03-07T18:05:00.002-07:00

I have a shitty toilet. No pun intended. There is nothing funny about a toilet that won't flush.

S-ism

2011-03-01T03:37:00.003-07:00

As I am travelling with the inimitable S, I have learned to better translate her sometimes-strange phrasing and use of slang into something resembling English. However, I have yet to interpret her logic. Case in point:

Me: Have you ever heard this rhyme before?
"Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite
And if they do, take your shoe and beat them black and blue"

S: *Pauses* There's nothing about crocodiles?

The Intestines of a Cowboy

2011-03-01T03:28:00.002-07:00

People are often surprised when they learn my weight (they think I should be lighter). This makes me wonder if I have John Wayne bowels.

Update from India

2011-03-01T03:20:00.004-07:00

I have touched the Himalayas and my bowels are still firm.

(Not to be mistaken for a cause-and-effect statement.)

Perfect Timing

2011-01-26T12:44:00.009-07:00

Every once in a while, someone else's words comes along when you feel your own are insufficient...

You said, 'I love you.'
Why is it that the most unoriginal thing we can say to one another is still the thing we long to hear?
'I love you' is always a quotation.
You did not say it first and neither did I, yet when you say it and when I say it we speak like savages who have found three words and worship them.
I did worship them but now I am alone on a rock hewn out of my own body.

~Written on the Body by Jeanette Winterson, as posted by graceless